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Spencer's Story

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Spencer's Story

I need to be pissed for a minute

January 12th, 2012 · 4 Comments · Uncategorized

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I’m so mad.  I was FREAKED when we first found Spencer’s tumor.  So upset, I was sure it meant he was going to die soon.  Then we found out it was fibrosarcoma, and it seemed almost like good news!  That was so much better than bone cancer.  It was going to be manageable.  But… it was grade 3.  BUT, his lungs were clear.  Then they did the amputation and his lymph nodes were clear too.  Really, it was going to be OK.  Then he handled the chemo great (after we swapped him to mitox).  His oncologist even thought he was doing great.  But NO.  it moved to his freaking lungs.  And I’m mad about that.  And I’m sad about it.  And it seems unreal.  Today he ran home from the bus stop.  It is up a pretty steep hill.  And he ran like he was so healthy.  He doesn’t seem sick at all.  Through all of this, he has NEVER seemed sick.  How can he have terminal cancer and show no signs of it?

My kids still cry regularly about their cat who died a year ago.  They aren’t ready to lose their dog.  Part of me wonders if they have made a mistake.  Maybe they are wrong.  Maybe it was just swollen lymph nodes.  But I know that isn’t the case.  I mean, the logical part of me knows that.  My kids keep asking if there is any chance that the cancer c an go away, and I tell them that it is extremely unlikely, that I can’t say it is impossible; but that it almost is.  But then in my head I hear myself hoping right along with the kids.

This all just sucks.

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4 Comments so far ↓

  • riosmom

    I know you’re still reeling from this latest punch from cancer… It sucks so much. And it’s okay to be angry about the unfairness of it all.

    However, the fact that Spencer is running and feeling good is his way of telling you, “don’t worry!” It’s all about enjoying right now! Right this minute!!! Lots of pictures and making memories and love.

    Spencer is a warrior, and he’s not giving up yet. He’ll show you how to get it done!

    Micki and Rio

  • zeuspod

    You know, we all handle our emotions differently and I don’t think that any of us can tell another how we should or shouldn’t feel. But, I do believe that we can offer thoughts that have helped us along the way and maybe it will help you also.

    Shortly after Zeus’ amputation, I was lying on a dog bed with him. I was smushed against him, stroking his back. By all of my physical actions I was focused on him, but … my mind wasn’t there. A million thoughts were racing through my brain. All those emotions were poking away at me. Anger – sadness – fear. You name it. I was pouting, plain and simple. My hand had come to rest on his leg and I was no longer ‘loving’ on him. I was simply ‘present’ in body.

    I realized that, if I continued to allow myself to be absorbed by these feelings, and to allow that distraction to take away even one second of time that I could be comforting, loving or doting on him, then that was a tragedy. If I allowed this crappy-ass disease to steal even one tiny moment of our happiness, then I would later regret it. I knew, when the day comes that he is not with us anymore, I would be angry at myself for missing that precious time. I do not want to live with that regret.

    It is easier said than done, but do not allow this monster to steal anything else from you. It may be trying to take your furbaby, but do not let it take your memories, your peace of mind or one instant of happiness from you. So many things are out of our control in this war. Try to not let it win those things that we can control.

  • etgayle

    ditto what lisa just said. cancer sucks, having cancer twice sucks exponentially – we know first hand. but, life isn’t always fair, and you need to just take a little time to let the rage go. don’t lose the time you have now, by being angry or fearful..tough we know. there are no guarantees for any of us. if the mayan’s are rights, we better all be living in the moment right at this moments. we don’t have human children to deal with, but maybe somehow this is a life lesson for them, as awful as it might be. good luck, know that we are here, and don’t ever hesitate to just ‘get pissed’ with us anytime!!! now, go give spencer a kiss on the snout for us!

    charon & spirit gayle

  • doggiemomma9

    That does suck. Cancer sucks. I have to “third” what Lisa said. That is good advice. I know you want to rage. I would too. That diagnosis is what we fear the most right now. I also fear of letting cancer steal these moments from us, too.

    We start every day with a belly rub. We try to stop fearing and enjoy every moment. It is hard, but we try.

    Wishing you much courage and strength…and lots of belly rubs for Spencer.

    nancy & butchey

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