Deep down, I really held out hope (and kind of believed) that Spencer was going to be the dog to beat the odds. I thought he might make it. Or that he would at least make it for more than a year. I never admitted this to anyone, not even my husband. I mean, before the lung mets we all hoped that he was going to beat it, and really thought he was going to. But after the diagnosis of lung mets on Jan. 6… well, I still held out hope. Spencer seemed healthy (as I posted time and again). We would meet people when out and they would ask about his leg and then comment that he was going to beat the cancer, right? And I’d be honest and say that no, it was in his lungs; but that while he was doing so great we would keep fighting and that hopefully he would at least make it through the summer. For the kids, I was always very honest that he couldn’t beat it and it was important for us to enjoy every moment with him. But all along, in the back of my head a little voice said that if any dog could beat it, it would be Spencer. I had convinced myself that he would be here for Christmas 2012. I had convinced myself that when we went in next week for xrays that the mets would be smaller or even gone.
I still made a point to practice what I preached – I enjoyed every minute that we had with Spencer. I spoiled him, loved on him and made sure that we did things with him. But I wasn’t convinced that he was actually going to die from this. I just really expected to see his health go down hill like it did with my last dog – Baron. I had warning signs with Baron. I knew the time was coming. It was gradual. He SEEMED sick.
But then… I think about how different Spencer and Baron were. I loved Baron with all of my heart too; but let’s face it. He was a bit of a wimp. I always knew RIGHT away if he had the slightest injury because he let me know right away. Unlike Spencer, who NEVER let me know something was wrong. Spencer broke his toe one time. I’m pretty sure I know when it happened – he had been trying to run around the corner downstairs, slipped, and slid all of the way across the kitchen until he hit the chair I was sitting in. A couple of days later I went to trim his nails and saw that one of his toes was very swollen. Took him right to the vet. His toe was broken. He had never let on. And that was how Spencer was. He never let on when he was in pain or not feeling well. I shouldn’t have been surprised that they handled cancer totally differently (that and that even though both were dealing with cancer in the lungs, it was different kinds of cancer).
I really miss Spencer. it is weird not having him here. I still tear up when I think about him. My husband is going to have to call to cancel next weeks oncology appointment for me because I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I know that eventually I’ll be better with it though, just like I am now with Baron.