I need to be pissed for a minute

I’m so mad.  I was FREAKED when we first found Spencer’s tumor.  So upset, I was sure it meant he was going to die soon.  Then we found out it was fibrosarcoma, and it seemed almost like good news!  That was so much better than bone cancer.  It was going to be manageable.  But… it was grade 3.  BUT, his lungs were clear.  Then they did the amputation and his lymph nodes were clear too.  Really, it was going to be OK.  Then he handled the chemo great (after we swapped him to mitox).  His oncologist even thought he was doing great.  But NO.  it moved to his freaking lungs.  And I’m mad about that.  And I’m sad about it.  And it seems unreal.  Today he ran home from the bus stop.  It is up a pretty steep hill.  And he ran like he was so healthy.  He doesn’t seem sick at all.  Through all of this, he has NEVER seemed sick.  How can he have terminal cancer and show no signs of it?

My kids still cry regularly about their cat who died a year ago.  They aren’t ready to lose their dog.  Part of me wonders if they have made a mistake.  Maybe they are wrong.  Maybe it was just swollen lymph nodes.  But I know that isn’t the case.  I mean, the logical part of me knows that.  My kids keep asking if there is any chance that the cancer c an go away, and I tell them that it is extremely unlikely, that I can’t say it is impossible; but that it almost is.  But then in my head I hear myself hoping right along with the kids.

This all just sucks.